Another Threshold: Being Cleared to Play for Patients

7/12/12, 2:25 PM

Yesterday I did something I've been dreading. In order to begin playing for patients, I had to first play a 10-15 minute session for the founder of the program. She has been playing in the therapeutic capacity for more than a decade and has been deeply involved in music her entire life both as a student and a teacher. No pressure, little amateur harper, no pressure at all. As a matter of fact when we sat down, I with a harp cradled between my knees, to start she even said "now don't be nervous" as if I could help it. One might as well ask water not to be wet.

I did not get a chance to warm up that day even though I got up extra early. I hit some unexpected traffic and it took a while to find a parking spot in the garage. So I played cold and it was not pretty. I stumbled through songs I play fairly well at home and had played decently in the hospital common areas before. I picked the wrong notes to accompany myself and created some awkward harmonies. Then she had me do some noodling and I did better with that. She said the point of the exercise was not to criticize but to see how well my sound was. She said I did fine and cleared me for patient rooms but I felt worse about it after than I did before.

Then she gave me a CD which was supposed to be included in a goodie bag we received at the end of the last module (they forgot to place them in the bags). I knew it was going to be of "relaxing music" but that was it. It is a recording of her playing through several songs in her repertoire as she does for patients - all strung together with languid ease and cascading arpeggios. And I want to cry. Not because the music is lovely (don't get me wrong, it is) but it just feels like another testament to my inadequacy. I may never be able to do this.