Gratitude

Tomorrow I set out for the Harpers' Escape weekend in New Brunswick, NJ.

I should be worrying about learning in a strange, new environment with both teachers and fellow students who will no doubt intimidate me with their level musical prowess. I should be worrying about being able to learn 2-3 new songs with accompaniment and ornaments in as many days. I should be worrying about my first harp circle experience. However, my more immediate fears about getting to and from the location of the Harpers' Escape event are easily eclipsing those worries.

I have very serious issues related to driving, especially when it involves highways, uncertain parking conditions, and locations I've never been to before. This trip will have all of those elements and possibly more (ack! roundabouts!). My sense of direction is notoriously poor and I get easily disoriented, and that added to a (rational, but heavily overblown) fear of traveling at a high rate of speed uncomfortably close to other contraptions composed of metal and flammable matter makes for a bad combination. I've been so paranoid about the transit that the event itself pales by comparison per my internal anxiety meter.

But I keep reminding myself that I chose to undertake this journey because of the challenge it would present for me. Facing many of my strongest fears (social, performance, vehicular) head on will be good for me, or so I keep telling myself. Victor Anderson said "anything worthwhile is dangerous" and at the moment I'm taking that on faith.

Yet in the midst of this I am also grateful. Grateful for the opportunity to take this chance. I was thankful for being simply being able to get the approved time off from work and for the fact that I had saved up enough to be able to afford such a luxury. Then after registering to stay on-site and take the workshops, I received an email from one of the organizers advising that there was an error and the website had not been updated properly. The rooms had all sold out. My heart sank upon reading this, but there was a silver lining. Another attendee, a complete stranger to me, had volunteered to share her room with me so I did not have to commute to and from the conference center. I was so touched by this generous offer.

Occasionally I see bumper stickers compelling the viewer to commit "random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty." I feel this person certainly did extend a random act of kindness to me, so I felt a gesture of senseless beauty would be an appropriate response. The small painting to the upper left is something I created to give to her as a "thank you". I'm not very good at expressing my emotions verbally, so I pour my sincerity through my hands and heart and hope others can apprehend at least some of it.

In a way I'm even grateful for my driving anxiety because once I actually get to the conference center whole and unscathed, it will be an immense weight off my shoulders and the challenges presented by the harp will seem so minor and joyful by contrast. I'm praying to my Ancestors that this optimism holds and that I can keep my wits about me!